Ahhhh, Push It

The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.

~ Epictetus

Guys! Remember that one time I told you that I spent the first half of my life being an athlete???? So, yeah, ignore that. 

I cannot recall a time in my life, regardless of my fitness level, where I've had to push myself so hard mentally and physically. The learning curve is completely new, unnerving, and exciting. I'm realizing how long it's been since I've really pushed my boundaries in this particular way.  I am in completely new territory here, an unexplored landscape of my mind and body. 

My last couple of workouts have involved the same process, in this basic order:

1. Walk into Crossfit. See the WOD (workout of the day). Choose not to run away in terror.

2. Try to look cool and collected, like I'm not mentally peeing my pants.

3. Question my sanity. (The question my sanity thing continues to take place throughout the entire workout.)

4. Warm up and stretch, mentally preparing myself for hell. (Let's be honest here. Mentally preparing yourself for hell is like mentally preparing yourself for an enema. There's no way to do it. You just accept the reality of the situation and bend over.)

5. Start the workout. 

6. Hey, this isn't so bad. I can do this.

7. Ow. That doesn't feel good.

8. Oxygen!!!

9.  I might have overestimated my ability to do this. 

10. Ok, that really doesn't feel good.

11. Wait, what?? She's on her third round already???

12. Oxygen!!!

13. I can't do this. I'm not going to finish.

So, I'll stop here because this is the moment, the crucial moment where I have to venture out into new mental territory. This is that moment where I decide who I want to be, because I have that power. We all have it, you know that, right?  We all have the power to decide who we want to be. And it's in that moment, where I say to myself, "I can't do this," that someplace inside of me that I never knew existed, digs deep and pushes on. 

This is the part that's exciting to me, because I'm such a student of my brain and how it works and why it works the way it does and why I make the decisions that I do. I know myself so well. I know myself too well, I think sometimes. I'm learning where my walls are and what I need to do to climb over them. I'm learning where my limits are physically, which I underestimate constantly. Crossfit has shown me that I never really was an athlete in the sense that I'm becoming one now, because never did I hit those walls. Your lungs are on fire, your head is getting a little light, your body feels like it's giving out. You take a 5 second break to breathe and pace. You pep talk yourself. Another Crossfitter pep talks you. "C'mon, Heather. You got this, girl." And you get back in. And your lungs don't explode. And you don't faint. And you don't die. And somewhere in that next moment a new thought pops into your head.

I'M GOING TO FINISH!!!!!

I know the all caps seems a little dramatic, but this is me we're talking about after all. And it's a pretty accurate portrayal of the elation that goes through my head. I may not get through as many rounds, I may finish last, but I'm going to finish.

My body gave out on me hard today. The workout was all geared towards endurance, which is my weakest area. But guys, I finished. Every time that I hit that wall and push through it, is another day I learn more about myself and what I can do and what I will continue to do.

In other news, I've gotten a couple of FB friend requests from other Crossfitters. Which has given me the courage to send out a couple of my own. It's dorky, I know, but they have no idea how much it means to me. They don't even know how much hope I'm pinning on my success. They don't even know how much their support is part of my success. Actually, they probably do. They've all been there and they know how hard it is, and that's why they support me and everyone else who walks through those doors. And someday, I'll be the woman with the defined arms, doing air squats as if I was just filing my nails and a terrified, out of shape, overweight woman will walk into class and I will stick out my hand and say, "Hi, I'm Heather." And I will shout out her name when she feels like quitting, because if I did it, so can she.