Down But Not Out

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. 

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

It's been almost two weeks since I've worked out. I feel depressed. I feel defeated. I feel frustrated. But those are merely feelings. A feeling doesn't determine my path or the true state of my reality. 

I'm still learning the limits of my body, and I learned one big time. My knees cannot withstand my weight in high impact movements. There's a definite learning curve in CrossFit with discovering the capabilities of your body. It's frustrating to be the one who is constantly modifying their movements. I'm not used to being that woman. I'm the woman who has her babies naturally. I'm the woman who never goes to the doctor, or who waits to go to the doctor until a staph infection has consumed the greater portion of her thigh. I'm the woman who chops off the end of her finger in a paper cutter and then calmly scoops it up and goes to find someone to drive her to the doctor. I am not the woman that complains about pain. I am not the woman who ever lets pain defeat her. It's not who I am, it's never been who I am. So I've been pushing myself and pushing myself, despite the ever increasing pain in my knees because I can't be that woman who stops because of a little pain.

Well, my knees made the decision for me. I hurt them bad enough that I was nearly immobile for a week. I ignored the signs and I reaped the consequences. And I've been miserable and unmotivated ever since. I've been eating bread. And donuts. And pasta. And not eating my veggies. And not drinking enough water, but drinking lots of other things. It's amazing how easy it is to fall back into your old habits and patterns. The last post I wrote was about how I saw the changes in my head and my evolution into how I approach stress and life. It's like I jinxed myself because almost immediately after I was sidelined and back into some self-defeating habits.

I didn't want to write this post because I'm embarrassed, but I NEED to write this post because I have to keep myself accountable. I miss CrossFit and I miss being there. Here's the thing, guys, I could have gone this week. I could have modified. But I didn't. Why? Because I let my doubt laziness get the best of me. I made plenty of excuses about why I wasn't going, most of them revolving around my work. Granted, I'm working 10-12 hour days now, but you know what, when you really want to do something, you make time for it, you do it. I wasn't making time for CrossFit, the only thing I was making was excuses. So, I'll be back to it next week. No more excuses. No physical obstacles will ever be as difficult to overcome as the mental ones. I'm still trying to figure out the balance between pushing myself and not defeating myself. I will get stronger, but it's not going to happen overnight and it's certainly not going to happen sitting on my butt. I confess there are times I just don't want to do this, but then what? I go back to where I started? I can't do that. Ugh. Blah. Evolving sucks, man. 

Now where's my water bottle?