Doubt

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." - Eleanor Roosevelt

So, in my first fundamentals class last night, Coach Ray showed me an exercise where you grab hold of two heavy metal rings that are tethered to a support bar by long, thick, rubber resistance bands. You then lean back and walk your feet forward until you are at angle and in essence do a backwards push-up. It's all upper body and core strength and utilizing the weight of your own body to create the resistance. As I watched him demonstrate, I got nervous. I don't have a lot of faith in my upper body strength and I had visions of my arms deciding to tap out and me falling ungracefully on my butt (is there a way to fall gracefully on your butt?). But as I did my first one and realized my falling wasn't going to happen, Coach Ray smiled at me and said, "You're stronger than you think."

I have a lot of doubt. It's easy to envision yourself joining a workout program and succeeding, but once you're in the program it's game on. I officially signed my contract with Crossfit last night and am now on an 18 month, 3 class a week, program. That, in and of itself, gives me a little more confidence in the possibility of my succeeding. The greater issue, though, is my my lack of confidence in my own strength, physically and psychologically. I have this abstract notion that I'm probably stronger than I think I am, but it's not a rooted fact in my head. And as I stood in the gym last night and watched all the Crossfitters cheering each other on, I realized that part of this journey is my learning to not put limits on my strength. Everyday that I show up to work out, I will push those boundaries more and more. I don't know strong I am or how strong I can be, but I'm committed to readjusting my thinking and accepting the idea that I am much stronger than I think I am. I already see it happening in small ways. As I was completing my workout last night, I felt my body start to give, my lungs were burning, my heart was pounding and my mind hit a wall. For a nano second I thought to myself, I can't do it, but then I heard someone cheer across the room for another Crossfitter and I heard Coach Ray urging me on. I fought the doubt and I won. Small victories, yes?

There are these things called Wall Balls. Basically it's a combination squat, popping back up and throwing a medicine ball high up on the wall, catching it, and dropping back down into the squat. I can tell you right now, they are not my friend. This is me after Wall Balls:

 

And trying to sit on the toilet seat after a couple of Crossfit workouts? I sound like Maria Sharapova hitting a forehand. I won't even tell you what I sound like trying to get back up again. It's not pleasant. But I must be a masochist because I'm totally digging it.