You're so vain. I bet you think this post is about you.

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”  - Fyodor Dostoevsky 

The internet allows us to filter how people perceive us. We can remove or untag ourselves from pictures that aren't flattering. We can appear far more noble or witty or compassionate than we truly are via Facebook updates and Tweets. In essence, the internet has made it easy for us to lie. I am guilty of being a part of that lie. Obviously, to the people you see in real life, that masquerade can't be pulled off, but my vanity has definitely influenced what I want people to see of me.

Or, perhaps it's not so much vanity as it is shame. I'm ashamed of what's become of me. I'm ashamed by my lack of self-control. I'm ashamed to be fat. Should I be? I don't know. I think for some fat people there is this fear deep down that people won't accept you, won't love you as much. I know that's not healthy and it's not reality, but shame does weird things to your brain.

All I know is I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I don't want to be that person who tries to manipulate their online image for the sake of their vanity. I know some people will read this and think, "Who cares what people on the internet think?" and they'd be right. What people on the internet think does not matter, but when you struggle so much with your own self image, it's easy to look for validation from sources that shouldn't and don't matter.

Part of what I want to do with this blog and my journey to physical/mental wellness, is to find a healthy balance between body acceptance and body obsession. Ultimately, my shame IS vanity and I don't want that to be the thing that inspires me to wellness because that's not healthy either. I don't want to do this because I'm vain or ashamed, I want to do this because it's what's best for me. Perhaps my acknowledgement of that is a sign I'm headed in the right direction.

I heard someone say once that we should be content IN our circumstances but not necessarily WITH our circumstances. In other words, I need to accept who I am today and be okay with that, but that doesn't mean I don't strive to be better tomorrow.

Here's to a better me tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that, and the tomorrow after that...........